Posted by: Mo | March 27, 2011

The alternatives to things I do and mistakes I make are likely not as ideal as I make them out to be in hindsight. Whenever I make a decision that fucks some plan I made up, I like to indulge in those mental acrobatics of alternative directions and choices I could have made. For some reason cultivating regret is the only logical step I can take after I realized I fucked up. “Was it worth it?” I always ask myself. But, the answer to this question is contingent upon some hypothetical, something that hasn´t even happened or maybe would have never even been possible. I shouldn´t have gone out last night, I should have gone to bed. And my idealized version involves me getting a great night´s sleep, waking up, catching my flight, meeting amazing people in this new city, having great conversations and many other beautiful things. But, was this really ever an option of happening? No, because it didn´t happen. How can I compare what I actually did with something I made up? And then hold myself accountable and berate myself for picking the choice that has now become my life over choosing a fantasy I created? But, I always do it. I always pretend this fantasy was as equally real as what I had happen. I may as well say, Why didn´t I hang out with Neil Young last night instead? Why did I have to go to that house party and get really drunk and sleep through my alarm? It´s no less possible than saying I was going to wake up for my alarm. With as tired as I was last night, I may have slept through it without the sedative effect of alcohol. Who fucking knows? I´m trying to let it go. I´ve made expensive mistakes on this trip. But, I think this small mistake is going to save me from the bigger mistake of missing my flight in La Paz. I now know that I can´t party the night before I have a flight. Especially if I´m having an international flight. But, when I went to San Francisco, I almost missed my flight because I was drunk and nearly slept through my alarm. I was still drunk as I rode on the light rail to the airport. And somehow this knowledge completely escaped me last night as I thought that I would just catch an hour of shut eye before I had to get up for my flight.

And for all I know, it was a subconcious choice I made. I was just thinking yesterday that I started talking to people too late. And now that I was leaving, I´m hanging out and having fun with people that have been here for two weeks. So, maybe I meant to not wake up. To give myself more time in Santiago. But, now I´ll have less time in Bolivia and it´s so cheap, but what can I do? I smoked too much last night I drank more than I should have after an afternoon of eating ice cream sandwiches and stayed out later than I should have to catch a flight and I don´t think I´m regretting it. At least not until I find out I can´t get a flight or that it´s going to be way more expensive. But, maybe it will be cheaper. But, I was happy to be there with the people. My time in Santiago started to make sense. Everyone there had been in Santiago for weeks, months, years, and loved it. They didn´t like clubs and thus didn´t like Buenos Aires as much. I still liked Buenos Aires, I guess that´s not the way I wanted to phrase that, but I suppose I´ve been wondering why Santiago has resonated with me so much. I´ve been beating myself up for staying in Santiago, but have finally realized I fucking like it. And it´s perfectly acceptable to stay. Other people have done it and there is something about this city. Something about it is great. There´s a good energy.

And I saw more of the city and just interacted with different, good people. I can´t regret any choice that introduces me to the fact that there are caring, good people in the world. I really can´t because there is nothing else. And I´ve been so much in my head that it´s good to interact and also to hear from others that I seem like a good person. That sounds really stupid, I will admit that now, but I´m trying my best to be open, honest, and authentic and grateful. And it doesn´t matter if other people recognize this because I don´t need recognition or a reward for this–that would be pure arrogance– but it´s good to know that maybe I´m being effective. That I´m doing it. My efforts are not in vain.

And what else am I travelling for than to have stupid adventures and make mistakes? I have to learn some way and this is a pretty benign lesson. If it´s even a lesson. I missed my flight in Cambodia and it didn´t really teach me not to do it again. I guess it just taught me that I make expensive mistakes. Or it´s teaching me that I have to forgive myself for fucking up. That this is the major part of life. And that´s bordering on a platitude, but saying these things and recognizing them is harder to actually making manifest the idea. That I´ll finally start living this philosophy hopefully.

Off I go. I´m hungover, which leaves me little to work with in terms of coming up with ideas of what to do with the day. The travel agency is closed, so I suppose I just have to not worry about this today.

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